‘Without Me ‘ By rileygaol

Short story influenced by Without Me by Halsey

Found you when your heart was broke,
Filled your cup until it overflowed

When dad flew away with the angels, I was there. I was the one who slowly put your heart back together again. I filled your wine glass full but stopped you from pouring yourself another one and another one. I kept you sane.

Took it so far to keep you close,
I was afraid to leave you on your own

When I was just 10 years old, I realised that it was you who was the child that needed protecting, and I had to be the parent. I took you hand and led you home after the overflowing playground made you retreat to the darkness.

I said I’d catch you if you fall,
And if they laugh then fuck ‘em all

They called you a freak and a retard. Those words stung like hailstones. I grabbed your hand tighter and told you to run, to ignore them, you were incredible. The mothers whispers drove you crazy. Saying you were unfit to be a mother. You needed to be locked up in a home. A danger to society. I told you to ignore it. Ignore them. Fuck ‘em all.

And then I got you off your knees,
Put you right back on your feet

I raised you. I brought you up to the light again. Like a cadaver in a grave, I slowly brought you back to life and showed you the light of day. You made me promise you that I would never let you go into rehab. That you didn’t need help with your drug problems. You could control yourself. Just one more prick of the needle…

Just so you could take advantage of me

I devoted my life to you. Dropped out of school to look after you. Put you ahead of everything. If there was only enough money to feed one of us, it was you. I got so thin and ill. You got healthier. I nurtured you back to health. I told you the rehab would help you and it did. Soon you were stronger than me. But still the meals went to you. I needed someone to be there for me. But you never were.

Tell me how’s it feel sitting up there?
Feeling so high but you found a way to hold me

You got a job. You were finally employable. It was no glamorous or well-paying job but it was enough to keep a roof above our heads without leeching off other people’s money. You spent all of your time working to keep your head elsewhere. The waitressing kept you busy. I lay at home on the sofa, puking blood into an overflowing bucket. I was in your power. You made me beg for food. It made me feel powerful. You didn’t need drugs to give you that sensation anymore, you had your daughter for that.

You know I’m the one who put you up there,
Name in the sky
Does it ever get lonely

How did it feel to know that you were better because of me? Did you ever think about that when you came home and walked into the living room to see my green skin. You laughed. Reminiscing. You remembered what it felt like to be so ill you were immobile. Ha ha ha. It sucks to be you. Your laugh reminded me of the laughter of the mothers who used to call you an animal. No mercy. You were on cloud nine. I was at the bottom of the ocean, dying.

Thinking you could live without me

But you still needed me. When the police came you needed me to act normal. The people downstairs had noticed I hadn’t emerged in weeks. They noticed the smell. The police were called. They broke down the door and found me. I was too weak for pretence. I went into the ambulance without a fight. When they found you, you spun a web of falsities. I hadn’t been ill for long. It was the flu, my daughter had only had it the few days. No idea it was gonna turn into this. When I woke up from my coma, I backed your story. After everything I didn’t want you to go to jail. I still wanted to protect you.

You don’t have to say just what you did
I already know
I had to go and find out from them

I got better in hospital. Slowly I got my strength back. I gained weight. I was psychically healthy again. But my mind was ruined. I felt so worthless. No one cared for me. You made that clear. But I was still determined to try and make things right. We started trying to make a life for ourselves. While I was in hospital I had some realisations. There was a beautiful nurse that I fell in love with in the hospital. I loved her caring smile and lovely figure. I realised I was gay. I went to a new school. Got a girlfriend. I brought her home one day and told you I was gay. You went crazy. We agreed we were going to get our lives together. How can you do that without having a husband and kids? You were disgusted. How could your daughter be like this? You made it clear I would never be excepted, so either be straight or get out.

Tell me how’s it feel sitting up there?
Feeling so high out you found a way to hold me

How does it feel now that I’m gone? I left you that night. I couldn’t just turn straight. I’d promised my girlfriend you would be fine with our relationship because you’d been telling me you’d love me whatever. But she saw how your outburst and ran. Told me to never speak to me again. My mum was a freak and she’d scarred her.
I left that same day. Took a small bag of belongings and ran. I didn’t get far.

You know I’m the one who put you up there
Name in the sky

I killed myself a few days after that. I’m not going to dress it up. I committed suicide. I ended my life. I had no hope anymore. It was so easy. I swallowed the pills and lay on a hill watching the sun go down. I was going to sleep. For a very very long time. I was at peace. As I drifted off I wondered what you would do without me. You knew I was the reason you were ever happy. I look up to the sky and I see your face, so happy.

Does it ever get lonely?

I can see you, mum. Some people say that once your gone, your gone. It’s not true. Heaven is real and it’s a cinema. I watch life on earth through the big screen. I see you falling. I see a lonely woman slowly going crazy. The needles are back. The empty wine bottles beside the sofa return. But the girl to pick them up doesn’t. She’s gone. You let her go.

Thinking you could live without me

Your world is crumbling again. You never appreciated anything I ever did for you. There was no love. When you cried, I held you in my arms and rocked you like a baby. It’s okay, I would say. I love you. You’re going to be okay. When I cried, I held myself. I look at the cinema screen. You’re stood at my grave on the hilltop, the place the police found me a week after I left. You scream and cry for me to come back, that you’ll be different, a good mother. I’ll do anything to have you back, you scream. I can’t live without you. I need you.

You realised you couldn’t live without me too late. I’m gone. I’m never coming back to you. You’ll have to find someone else to be your rock. This rock has been swept far, far away out to sea.

She’s never coming back.

Goodbye mum.

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