Can you believe this girl was in bondage, wholly broken? Mentally in the depths of despair. If self-destruction was a person, this is what she looks like. It was always a smile, the most fun person in the room, but a prisoner in my mind. My joy was stolen long ago, and I was stuck in a negative mindset. Twenty years plus, trapped in the feelings of hurt, continuously fighting to be free from my thoughts, and constantly beating myself up. I blamed myself for things that were out of my control, at the same time, sabotaged the things that were in my power. “I’m dumb,” “so stupid,” “too fat,” ran rapid in my head daily. I did not deserve good things because I looked a certain way (as if my physical appearance determined my personality and worth). I used any excuse to stay in a place of complacency. “If bad things keep happening, then what is the point.” I became comfortable with mediocracy. My mindset was that if I stayed under the radar, people wouldn’t expect anything of me, and I wouldn’t have to expect much of myself. Then one day, I had had enough. I was exhausted and just wanted more for my life, my future. I tried to stop suffocating myself in pain. Finally, I realized and declared that this was not the plan for my life. God did not promise a life full of pain, especially self-inflicted pain. He promises abundant life for his children, even me. At that moment, I chose to be free!
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