“Mistakes?” by Ananth Chenimineni

It’s safe to say that prior to my sophomore year, I had absolutely no idea the name Alecia even existed and that there was a girl to accompany it. I think there’s a sad truth to high school doing a poor job of providing kids with an education, but I did gain many helpful tactics which I use today. As most kids did, I developed a system to do well in each of my individual classes so that I could ameliorate my workload as best as possible allowing me to be lazy. One of the skills I developed was being able to do quick mental math. I always thought science was its own subject area but without working in conjunction without mathematics, science is severely damaged. When we were given new seats for the first time I was placed with Andre, Michelle, and Alecia. Besides Andre, I had never talked to either of the two before but I was good friends with Andre during middle school so I was comfortable with him. The four of us were in the back of the class so it was sometimes tough to see what was being written and said so through this mutual struggle we had a blast at our table. As far as that year went with my relationship with Alecia, we became friends. I saw her at almost every Sweet Sixteen I went to that year and we became good enough friends that she invited me to hers. Junior year we had precalc together and we sat pretty close and Chris was in that class too and the three of us struggled through the class together. Naturally, I became better friends with both of them during this period but I think it’s safe to say even Junior year I had my thoughts about what a nice girl she was and the thoughts of possibly liking her may have emerged once or twice but nothing I took seriously. I’m not really sure when I started to text her every day but it happened. Going into basketball season we texted almost every day and during basketball season we definitely did. I’m not sure if during this time she may have thought anything and one thing I want to emphasize is the lack of communication the two of us had with each other while being completely open with each other and talking all the time. A lot of our talk in the winter was spent talking about basketball since it was so relevant to us at the time. She had a lot to say about her season and team and I was always there to listen and talk because I enjoyed talking with her. Sometime during the basketball season on a Friday or Saturday night I wanted to go to Shoprite to pick up some ice cream and soda to make a float. I asked the same people I usually do, the kids I spent time with that lived close by, but this particular night no one was available to go. It’s not like I’d never made the trip to Shoprite by myself before, I’d done it dozens of times. It’s probably because I was texting her so much and at this point it became part of my daily routine that I asked if she wanted to go. I never would’ve known that she went to Shoprite all the time too had I never hit her up that night. We both got to Shoprite and she was with Cassidy. I had never known this girl either up to this point but I felt more than comfortable introducing myself to new people. I got what I wanted from Shoprite as well as Alecia and Cassidy. They told me they planned on just hanging out at Alecia’s house and watching a movie. I went home and made my float but all I could think about was how I was at home making myself a float not because I wanted a float, but because I was hungry and the process of going out to buy soda and ice cream and coming back to make a float would occupy my time. I texted Alecia a couple minutes after I had gotten home and assembled my float and asked if there was possibly room for another to watch this movie to which she said yes. I went to her house that night and was surprised to see another friend, Katherine. One more girl I had never known whose acquaintance I had made nonetheless. We watched A Haunted House that night per my suggestion which was a terrible choice but I had fun anyway. Through our constant texting it was made more than obvious how much I loved movies and especially movie nights. Movie nights had become something of peace and solace for me because I would always watch movies by myself since I loved to do so but those still do not primarily contribute to why I loved movie nights so much. When Andrew and Danny lived up the street from me it’s arguable that after a certain point I was spending more time in their house than I did my own. Myself, Andrew, Danny, and Boz wanted to go see Zero Dark Thirty I believe when it came out but when we got to the movie theater it was sold out. No other good movies were on so we decided to go back to Andrew and Danny’s to watch a movie there which became the birth of something special. Before then I would always spend late nights at Andrew’s anyway watching movies with him but that night we decided to watch The Paranormal Activity movies and our obsession with scary movies began. Us four and mutual friends, many from the basketball team, began to spend weekend nights in Andrew’s basement watching movies and hanging out. This continued on for months and it was one of the greatest series of months I’ve enjoyed. When Danny and Andrew sold the house and went to California, the rest of Andrew’s grade went to college, and a lack of a beautifully set up basement to watch movies in, the experience slipped to memory. As the season went on I went over to her house twice more to watch movies. Neither Katherine nor Cassidy were there these times. Taking a greater interest in movies, and ones that I considered good for that matter, I chose the movies we would watch. Part of it is also because Alecia would never want to decide on things which is just a fun little reminiscent fact. We watched Warrior the first time because I just watched it the week prior and it was fresh in my head and I loved it. Now that I’m thinking about it though this movie watching period most likely happened in football season and basketball season since I remember listening to the end song of Warrior before football games. Regardless, it was fun watching the movie with her and that was that. This entire time I would occasionally get the thoughts about if I liked her or not but I told myself it was senior year and that I was just fooling myself since I tend to view love in a very romanticized way. The next time we watched a movie I showed her Keith because that’s just a fantastic movie. Finally the Free Rita’s day came. I went earlier with Peter and Ashish but I felt like going again later in the day. There are certain times where hanging out with the same people gets boring to me so I often look for someone I haven’t hung out with in a while to do so with. I decided to ask Alecia if she wanted to go and so we did. We got our Rita’s and sat in my car and ate it as we people watched and talked. It was really nice and enjoyed spending that time with her. When I drove her back and pulled up to her house, there was an approximately 3 second silence where I looked at her and she looked at me before I said bye and she exited the car. In those 3 seconds, I knew. Everything I suppressed in terms of how I felt for her just punched me in the face. I told myself that even if it was spring of senior year, it could only hurt to hold back my feelings so I let them free. I felt like such an idiot for not leaning in and kissing her but I couldn’t change what had happened. I decided to be a man about it and see if she wanted to hang out the next day too and kiss her. We walked her dog after school and watched the Duke vs. Mercer game in her basement. Since I was leaving her house and had to walk all the way down the driveway onto the street to get to my car, and she just had to jump in hers which was in the driveway, I didn’t have the opportunity I hoped for. Deciding it was best to just sit her down and tell her how I felt I devised a plan to get Froyo with her and tell her there. Not being so sure how that would work out I asked her friend Katherine whom I periodically talked to what her take on the situation was so before I could do that I had to tell her that I liked Alecia. She told me that it would be best if Katherine told Alecia first because it would be easiest that way for Alecia. This was someone Alecia considered a best friend so I had no reason not to trust her. She said she would tell Alecia the next day at practice since it was a Sunday, and Mondays practice would be most convenient. I agreed since the point was going to get across, and one day was something I could live with. I told Katherine that I knew what was going to happen once Alecia found out and that was that she would say how it’s already spring of senior year and she just wants to be friends and so on. Katherine told me to have hope and she would text me how it went. I never got a text from her that Monday which left me anxious for so long. I did ultimately get a text from Alecia though that told me she was sorry we couldn’t talk in person that day but that tomorrow we could to which I had no problems with. I was hoping to take a walk around Montgomery Park or somewhere outside that was open, but she felt more comfortable going to Katherine’s house and talking about it. Katherine stayed in the living room while me and Alecia hung out in the basement to talk in private. As a side note, I hated having to have this talk with Alecia in Katherine’s basement but I told myself that if this is where she felt comfortable I would just have to deal with it. We talked about how I felt and everything and what she told me was what I expected. She told me how it was so late in our senior year and that one of her friends last year got into a relationship around the same time and now her and the guy she dated don’t even speak. I thought this was a ludicrous point since her friend’s experience did not mean she was going to have the same one but I never told her that with respect to her feelings. She also said how we’re really close, because we were at this point, and she didn’t want anything more in terms of our friendship. One more reason she listed was how she doesn’t like to be placed under titles which I didn’t fully understand. She did her best to explain to me what she meant by that and all I could understand is that she was afraid of a relationship because she was a pretty independent girl and the way I view it, these factors conflicted in a way that she was afraid of being vulnerable, which I knew about her by this point. To be fair, however, many people including myself have a fear of vulnerability. With her best interests in mind, I could only accept her decisions and keep going on. I knew though, and I told her too, that her not wanting a relationship wouldn’t change how I felt about her which was fine. I still texted her every day and continued to remain very close to her while sometimes joking about my situation just for fun. It was more or less fact at this point that I would be asking Alecia to prom too but neither of us said anything about it, but during Senior Trip, we were texting each other about how people had become promposals and whatnot. 2 weeks later I asked her and she said yes. By now it was mid to late march I believe and we were still texting almost every day. There came a period though when Alecia just wasn’t really feeling herself and her texts just became sort of distant and short. I did my best to cheer her up or just be there but nothing was really working. One night I had become too frustrated and just decided to tell her that all I was doing was just texting her, and she would barely reply and answer really just to answer and that it was tough to deal with. She explained how she knew she was acting this way and Katherine had told her the same thing, and that she was sorry. Personally, I hate when people say sorry to me. I just don’t like it. It may be because saying sorry to me is a very serious thing. I believe one should say it only when they mean it and to truly be sorry requires a mistake of some sort. I said sorry a lot when I was a kid so I know how it feels when you have to mean those words so I always told her to never say sorry to me but she always would and I felt bad at this point. I had to get it out to her how I felt but I felt bad that she was clearly just not herself and I still exploded. Like I said, maybe I just worry too much about people which in turn only hurts me. Right now, this rant goes beyond Alecia. I care too much. I know it’s also true that you can never care too much, but there has to be moderation right? I feel like I care a lot for the people I want to and that always ends up killing me. I do my best to put other people and their happiness ahead of mine so I spend so much time worrying about that, that I impede my own. What always kills me too is how, regardless of situation, I try to show compassion and kindness but when I need it most, there’s nothing. I’ll still continue to care because although I’m really just searching for someone to save me, I can be the change I wish to see in the world. I truly do believe that you cannot care too much. Even if it’s going to kill me, I’ll live with that notion and completely accept it. There’s too much evil, hate, and pain in this world where if I can’t make the simple choice to care for others, I can’t be sure if anyone else will. So maybe I do care too much, and to most it comes off as clingy or attached, I don’t have a problem with that. I’ll trudge on just as I always have. I felt like I’d been selfish when I sent her that text because I wasn’t being cognoscente of why she may have been acting like that. She told me she didn’t know either so I told myself I would do my best to try and snap her out of it and just be there if she needed it. Our conversations were very different, and became a lot blander. This lasted through prom which, in conjunction with AP’s, I blamed for her being so moody. Prom night was alright, and then came prom weekend. Before I can get into prom weekend I have to introduce another character, Gabrielle. First girl I liked in Montgomery and in 8th grade we dated, which is a very inaccurate word to describe our relationship. After it ended, we had a sort of falling out you can call it. Freshman year a little drama ensued which left us even further apart. During sophomore and junior year we occasionally talked but never anything more than a conversation through text really. During the spring of senior year I begun to realize there would be people I don’t ever see again and I wanted to tie up loose ends/see them one last time. One such person was Gab. I asked her if she wanted to catch up and go get some Froyo to which she said yes and so we did. It was fun catching up with her and while we talked in the Froyo place, one of our topics was prom. Gab and Alecia are good friends and I already asked Alecia to prom so we talked more about her and Nishan and prom house. I was telling her how I planned on staying at Katy’s prom house Saturday night and that was it since I had skipped gym too many times and couldn’t afford being absent for it. I was complaining a little about how she planned to charge $70 a night to stay at the prom house and how ridiculous that was. Gab suggested to me that she would charge me $50 if I wanted to stay at hers which was basically all girls, which also included Alecia. Although I told other people that I would see what would happen in regards to where I would stay at prom house, my decision was already made to stay at theirs because of financial reasons. The weekend before prom weekend Gab and her friends were drinking I guess because I got a snapchat from Priyal telling me that Gab wanted to hook up with me. I didn’t really know what to say back because besides me, Katherine, and Alecia, only one other person knew about how I felt about Alecia and what was between us, and that was Joyce. Cassidy may have also known but I’m not too sure and that’s beside the point. I didn’t want to be mean in the snap back so I just smiled and said ok. So the first day of prom weekend came and I spent the day at Katy’s house and later towards the evening I journeyed with Dan and Matt to Gab’s prom house and we hotboxed their outdoor shower thus causing the inside of the house to wreak apparently. Matt and Dan left after we smoked, and I remained to see if I could spend the night there. With the $42 that I had in my car, Gab said it was cool that I stayed there and so I had my prom house that I was going to sleep at. The first night was fun but nothing spectacular in terms of events. I spent most of the night sitting on the couch drinking beers and watching the Conference Finals games for the NBA and occasionally taking shots. Gab came down to sit next to me one time and I think her intentions might have been more than obvious as though the snapchat a week ago wasn’t enough. I was drunk and she was drunk, but I wasn’t wasted to the point where I would unconsciously hurt my chances with Alecia because it is prom house and I hoped to have some time with her. However, I saw absolutely no reason not to flirt because like I said, we were drunk and I saw no harm in doing so. Nothing happened between us and nothing of significance really happened the rest of the night. The next day I spent the majority of the day at Katy’s house again occasionally coming back to Gab’s house for convenience or something I needed. Later that night though I stepped outside onto the porch to see Alecia sitting by herself. It was easy to understand something was on her mind and bothering her so I sat down and asked if she was alright to which she replied yeah. I knew she was lying, but I couldn’t call her out on it so I asked if she was sure and received the same response. Having no option but to trust her I let her be and went back inside and continued to drink. After a little period of time, Alecia came back inside and I saw an opportunity to spend a little time with her. Hoping to be discrete, once she came inside and knew she could hear me I exclaimed out loud almost that I wanted to go for a walk on a beach and if anyone wished to accompany me. Before Alecia has any time to respond, I didn’t know Gab was within vicinity and she heard and wanted to go really badly. I really did just want to go on this walk too because walking down the beach at night with someone has always been something I’ve wanted to experience. I turned to Alecia and asked if she was sure she didn’t want to go since she hadn’t said anything and she told me she was fine and to go. I was a little disappointed that I couldn’t go on this walk with Alecia but Gab and I set out instead. Even though I liked Alecia a lot at this point, I’m glad I got to have that walk with Gab. We just talked and walked down the beach together and I’m not really sure about her but I loved it. Disclaimer in case it wasn’t already noted: This is all being told from my point of view and all this time I’m never really aware of how Alecia feels or how Gab feels or what they’re thinking, so this entry is to be understood in my terms. For example, before when I wrote about how Gab made her “intentions” more than obvious, she might have just been being friendly with me as I was with her so there’s a lot that I don’t know myself. Since this entry is about my personal experience, however, I’m telling this story on how I went through it. Walking back from the beach we did our best to find Surf Taco but couldn’t so we decided to go back to the house. When I came back though, Alecia was still outside and I quickly asked if she was alright again for safe measure. While inside, I offered to make grilled cheese for Gab since she was hungry and I loved to cook and so I did. I ended up making 2 more too I think. As the night only went along I hung out with Gab and whoever else was still awake, attempting to show them a scary movie, but nobody wanted to watch it. On another side note, I consider myself a bad texter. I say this not because I don’t get involved within texting but because like I love to talk, I enjoy having conversations and so texting is something I like to do. I don’t know really know where the line is to text someone too much and stuff. Even if I can suppress my speech to talk less, I still find a way to bypass that system, thus making me feel bad. The third day was my last day at prom house. I planned on leaving the next day because I would’ve had to skip gym otherwise and I couldn’t do that. I spent the day at Katy’s house as usual and a little before sunset, I invited some guys over to Gab’s house to grill since there was extra food and I was hungry. A little while after that, I asked Pete if he wanted to go for a walk on the beach since the sun was beginning to set a little and I had to talk to him. A couple of the girls in the house heard about our plans and came with us to the beach. After a certain point, we made the effort to ditch them since I needed to talk to him personally and privately. We walked for a little while before eventually sitting down to talk. After months and months of talking to Alecia, and just having these feelings for her, I started to wonder what I was doing. I told him how I still felt strongly about her but that I needed a little happiness too. It was tough to keep holding on to a little sliver of hope. I exhausted to him all this pent up frustration I had regarding the matter and I came to the conclusion that my feelings weren’t going to change anytime soon so I would just have to let them be and they would eventually dissipate. As the two of us are walking out of the beach, Alecia and Cassidy are walking to it which made me laugh out loud. The odds of seeing her in that scenario were to slim not to laugh at and enjoy. I got back to the house and I was sitting outside with Joyce also talking to her about how I felt when Alecia and Cassidy come back. I don’t know where Alecia went but Cassidy came to me outside and told me that Alecia wanted to hook up with me. It’s crazy sometimes how things work out. We hooked up that night and that was the happiest I was in the longest time. To end the night we both slept on the roof on an air mattress, which was pretty nice. Alecia said she wasn’t feeling well so I made sure she was comfortable and I just sort of stargazed and thought about a lot that night. The next day I went back home, and I texted Alecia asking what last night was because I didn’t want to interpret it in a different way than she intended it to be. She told me that it was just a hookup and didn’t want anything else in terms of our friendship which I respected. I left on Tuesday and the girls had the house till Thursday so they all stayed there. I still texted Alecia everyday like I kept doing but something had changed. The entire demeanor of our texting was different. We were just a lot more comfortable in our texting with each other and we just texted each other “closer.” I don’t know how else to describe it but there was a profound difference in our relationship which the both of us could tell. Alecia loves the beach and her family has a beach house too so after Thursday she stayed there a couple extra days while the rest of the prom house came back. That Saturday Adam’s parents were out. Adam was dating Amanda, one of the girls in that prom house and so he stayed there as well. He texted me while I was at work asking if I wanted to come to his house that night and I figured why not. Until I got there, I had absolutely no idea that Amanda, Gab and two others from that prom house were going to be there too. Let it be noted that since I did spend 3 days at their prom house, I had become more comfortable with and better friends with the girls in the house. Once I got there, somebody had apparently spilled something and I was the only one who was there that hadn’t started drinking yet and I offered to buy anything like snacks anyway so I went to go buy something to help clean. It took a while because I brought Austin and Zack and offered to buy anything they wanted to eat so the decision making process took a while. Factor in that I wanted to smoke before we left so we enjoyed a blunt, or maybe two, thus making it a while before we came back. Once I came back, I was swarmed by the girls telling me it was pretty boring while I wasn’t there. Their comment sounds a little strange and is in no way meant to make me look better. Like I said, I’m telling this from my view. It was logical to make that statement since the guys that Adam’s friends with and the girls Amanda’s friends with didn’t know each other too well, but I was chill with both of them. I assumed I was well behind everyone drinking wise so I suggested games because it would be the best way to get drunk and have a more social and fun environment. Gab and I were partners for the games we played so throughout the night I was having fun with her and socializing with her. We shared beers as the night went along as well. There came a time though when everyone was done playing games and migrated upstairs. At this point, I sat down with Peter and we talked again, but this time our conversation was completely different. The way the night was going, I planned on putting Alecia to the side. To his credit, Peter did tell me it would be a scum move to which I did not care and Pete’s always let me make my own choices so I had made mine. I’d just had to much fun with Gab during the night where I was hoping to hook up with her. As the night died down and everyone was attempting to find places to sleep I attempted to go upstairs with Gab but, the same day in prom house that I hooked up with Alecia, Gab hooked up with Chris2. Gab didn’t want me to go upstairs with her and so I had a “fuck this” attitude and on my way down the stairs her friends explained to me what happened between her and Chris and how all of them wanted Chris to go upstairs so I understood and respected that. Once Chris left to go upstairs, I took the couch he was sleeping on and begun to doze off. 5 minutes later I’m woken up to Chris pushing me telling me to get out of his spot. We argued for a little while until he eventually pushed me off, just frustrating me. I just wanted to sleep peacefully at this point so I just went back upstairs and I explained to Gab that I just wanted to sleep. The bed was a twin so our only option was to spoon. In short, sleeping is not all we did that night and I hooked up with her. It wasn’t until the next morning that I realized what I actually did. I went home that day and I really wanted to see if Alecia could find the time to go get Froyo or anything just so that I could tell her in person what happened. I was texting her throughout that day when after one text I sent all I got back was “bye.” I immediately knew that she found out. She never texted me anything like that before so I was mad that I didn’t have the chance to tell her myself because I think it would’ve been the right thing to do. We scheduled to meet that Monday in school to talk about it since I wanted to have a chance to say what I wanted to. I told her I knew she couldn’t forgive me but that I just wished that things could get back to the way they were to which she replied that they never will be. It hurt to hear that. It hurt even more so to hear her say that she thought we could have been something going into the summer. I was pretty brought down by the whole thing, and for a week or two I just felt awful. One day during work though, I was driving around still a little depressed from what just occurred, when I parked my car and stepped out, I stopped to notice what a beautiful day it was. I realized then that my moping and being depressed was only stopping me from seeing the good and beauty in every day. It seems strange to think how the last couple of months for me had been all about this girl, but now I seemed to so easily keep moving on. I didn’t comment on it before because I wanted to comment about it now. I made a choice that night, a conscious one. Even if nothing had ever transpired between Gab and I that night, I told Peter beforehand my intentions and had no problems with it. Besides me and Peter I don’t think any knows that. I knew what I was doing. That’s the truth. After that, Alecia and I still texted each other every now and then but it was nothing. As far as my friendship went with Alecia, that seemed to be the end. Summer went on and one night I got home around 11:30 and still wished to do something, but not with someone I usually do. I couldn’t text Alecia so I scrolled through my texts to see if someone who I wanted to hang out with would pop up. After a little while of scrolling I saw Gab’s name and figured why not. Everything happens for a reason. I texted her asking if she was free and would want to go on an adventure that night. It just so happened that she wanted to and could go on an adventure that night. With nothing in mind, I left my house and went to pick her up. I learned pretty easily that Gab was no better than Alecia when it came to making decisions, if not worse, so I suggested going to the lake. She’d heard a lot about it from Chase and wanted to go too so it seemed perfect. We went to the lake and just sat there for a while gazing at the stars. It was really nice and it was around 1 when we decided to make a change in scenery and went to Princeton. The streets were empty and all the stores were closed so we decided to just walk around and so we did. We ended up at the fountain and hung out there for a little while before enjoying an impromptu water fight. I eventually ended up locking my keys inside the trunk and Youssef had to pick us up at 3:30 in the morning but that’s beside the point. At the end of it all, I loved spending that night with her. Every now and then during the summer I would ask her to hang out but never too often really. Truthfully, here’s a girl I had just hooked up with and we had a very eventful night one night, so my original intentions were to see if she would just be a +1 I could bring to parties as a steady hookup. Here’s where what I say and what I feel collide and a lot of grey area exists. I love romance movies and all the cute shit that accompanies it. My one main goal in life has always to find someone to fall in love with so when it comes to being close to someone, especially a girl I can’t help but develop feelings for them. I am not at all saying that I fell in love with Gab or liked her in that way. I’m just very susceptible to being emotionally inclined so I knew my plan to just hold her as a +1 would fail. Keith even told me that I was just hoping it would be a summer romance type of thing because that’s what I like which isn’t all false, but not entirely true. I came to the conclusion that I did like hanging out with Gab and enjoying time with her so hopefully we’d be able to hook up at parties but still remain friends outside of them. The first time she had the chance to come to a party I told her about was Debjit’s, and we did hook up. For what I’m about to say, this is how I feel. This in no way reflects what Gab thought, whatever she did because I don’t know what she thought or how she felt about the whole situation. When we hung out with each other outside of party settings we were just friends, and never talked about what happened at parties between us. I never told her anything I’m about to write and I’m not sure how she’d feel about it, and in turn she never told me anything either which I just assumed to be her thinking the whole thing was just hooking up at parties while being friends outside of them. Not to be mistake once again, that’s also how I felt about the situation. Where my view may stray from Gab’s is how I still did feel close to her. It’s weird to type out intimate thoughts because you never really want people to know and it’s not their business to know either but after the parties we hooked up at, we would still sleep with each other. Even though I didn’t like her, and this might just be me being young and too emotionally invested in situations, sleeping with her was nice. To sleep with someone you feel comfortable with and happy around, especially a girl, and enjoy makes sense. It’s also because I’m very romantically inclined as aforementioned and to have someone to sleep with and not just hook up with added a different dimension I feel, one that I enjoyed. I could share the comforts of being close with someone and enjoy it while not becoming too emotionally attached and it was great. I cared, and still do, about her a lot too because we had a lot of history and she’s a great girl. That’s something I grew to understand as I spent more time with her that summer. I already had my preconceived notions about her and I felt she could be come off as snooty and fake sometimes. Spending time with her that summer though, I realized that wasn’t true. I got to know her a lot better over the summer and we inevitably became closer as well. I got to see a different side of her that she doesn’t always openly show but I thought was wonderful, so spending time with her was always a nice thing. The next time the both of us were at the same party was Bobby’s. I was going through some shit around this point because my mom and I had an argument and she hadn’t talked to me in a week or so. I was already at 7 shots in about an hour and once I saw her come around back, I made the conscious decision that I wanted to get more drunk before I talked to her just because it wasn’t something I wanted to deal with that night, no offense to her in any way, so I eventually blacked out. The next morning I woke up on the couch chair inside and kicked my legs and arms out to stretch to hit Gab who was sleeping at my feet. I thought it was a little weird but I hadn’t remembered the last night so I went down and slept with her for a little while. The next significant time we really saw each other was at Keith’s house. Keith went to Miami that Monday morning with his mom who was coming home Wednesday night so I was designated to pet watch for them. I saw this as a perfect opportunity to have a couple of the guys who were going to college soon to chill, drink, and smoke. Tuesday I texted Gab asking if she wanted to come over and chill for a little while since I had Keith’s house open. She told me that it was Meghan’s last day so she was going to be spending the day with her until late to which I replied that I was going to sleep over there that night so she could come late if she wanted to. The night went on and Christian, Chris3 and I made four loco and drank that. They left around 11:30 and I began to watch television to pass the time along. Around 12 I get a text from Gab asking if she could still come and I was a little surprised because I didn’t think she actually planned on coming but 15 minutes later she was at Keith’s. She came in and immediately went on about how it was tough to say bye to Meghan and we just kept on talking for a while. Keith’s couch is already small for one person to try and lay down to watch television so we spooned which was fine with both of us. We watched Friends for about 2 hours because she loves the show and after the first episode I asked her how long she planned on staying till since it was already 12:30. Her response was her saying she thought she could spend the night and I had no clue she planned on spending the night and I was fine with it so I told her she could. After the 2 hours though I was feeling pretty sleepy so I suggested we go sleep. We both got into Keith’s bed and slept with each other for a little while until we eventually did hook up again. For me at least, since I feel the need to differentiate our thinking due to not knowing what she thinks, that time just seemed different. It might’ve been because for the first time she laid her head on my chest to fall asleep and physically, that’s the most intimate experience I’ve ever had. I don’t know. Maybe if I ever someday asked her how she felt about that night she’ll barely remember it. I hope to find out one day what her thoughts on this summer were, if she has any to say. I’m down on myself a lot. I don’t expect myself to be happy and while I work really hard to keep a positive mindset and attitude, I always have to constantly fight these thoughts of failure. Like I said before, I have a very romanticized view of things and get emotionally inclined easily so maybe I’m just making myself think like this. Another disclaimer I want to make here: I am still not falling in love with or beginning to like Gab at this point. It’s really tough to describe. I said it earlier; I was able to experience all the comforts of being intimate with someone without the attachment. I didn’t say without developing feelings because I did. I cared for her and about her a lot more than I ever did and still do. I think it’s only tough for me to describe because I’ve stayed away from using this word every single time I’ve told someone this story and this entire entry, but it is what I feel so I’m going to say it. To me, that night was special. Again, I might just be saying that now because it’s so recent and I still talk to her, but that’s just how I view it. I don’t want to use that word because I feel like everyone defines it differently and I don’t want someone to undervalue or overvalue its definition and thus the night how I view it. To keep going though, she asked the next morning if this was our last goodbye to which I said no because it just seemed like a sudden question and she still had the rest of the week. I saw her later in the week and we went to Princeton and hung out at the fountain for a little while. We eventually got back to my house and exited her car to say our goodbyes and so we did and gave each other a hug. I think a very appropriate way to say how I feel about her and care about her was before she left I told her to stay safe, and always have a friend at a party, and one or two more things along those lines. Gab and her group of friends wrote letters to each other too before leaving for college and after a night of smoking, I really felt like writing so Thursday night I told Gab I wanted to write a letter to her too. She found time the next day to come by my house again so we could exchange letters and would have to say goodbye another time. I walked her out to her car this time to say goodbye and we hugged goodbye once, looked at each other for just a quick glance and hugged again. After the second hug we kissed one last time and she said “just for old time’s sake” to which I smiled and told her to have fun in college before heading back inside. At the end of it all, I don’t regret anything that happened.  mistakes
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